PAIN, FRUSTRATION AND DESIRE - THE PAST 14 MONTHS OF MY LIFE

Let's start by saying this is a scary post for me to write about the struggle try to conceive  But here it is, the past 14 months of my life, my focus and my struggle.

It’s hard living a secret life. That something so important to me has to be kept secret. That my constant struggles to fall pregnant are kept to myself and I have to struggle with the disappointment, pain, desire, frustration and anguish ALONE. A few select friends know my journey, but I don’t like talking about it all the time, in the end there is more to life and how many times can people hear’ I JUST WANT ANOTHER BABY DAMIT’? A few more I would like to tell but it’s a hard one to bring up in conversation and then there is the pity – I don’t want pity I want answers and a BABY so I doubt I will get them from friends (sorry friends xx). Oh and I hate it when people know you are trying for a baby which is why I think there is so much secrecy around this in my life. Why? Because there are questions, every month if you’re lucky and sometimes in between ‘are you pregnant yet? I think you’re pregnant….NO NO NO. Oh and it’s not just friends strangers often ask as well ‘ isn't' it about time you had a second?’ really was that necessary?  I don’t want to be questioned and I also don’t want to tell before the ‘safe’ period is over.  So here is the raw truth, about the pain, frustration and desire to find answers and to have another baby!

Who would have thought having a second baby was so hard. Everyone told me I would fall pregnant straight away with the second baby, and essentially I did. I was ready to start trying for baby number two after our son was 6 months old but 3 doctors had told me to wait as I had had an emergency C-section.  They said if I fell pregnant any sooner than 1 year that I would run the risk of my uterus bursting, and no one want’s that to happen so I waited.  When my son turned 1 we had just sold our home and had a period where we didn’t find a suitable 2^nd home, finance was painful due to a family business and the lenders not believing what we earn even with all the required paper work, and then the previous owners of our current home not moving out. So we waited until we had the keys to our new home. I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant it happened straight away, I was expecting to wait 6 months like I did with our first son.  The pregnancy lasted 6 weeks and we lost the baby on new years day 2012, my body has been playing catch up ever since. I have been a 28 day cycle girl since I started menstruating 16 years ago. When I lost the baby my body went to 22 day cycles and has slowly moved up to 25/26 day cycles. It was not only hard on my body but emotionally. It’s so hard to grieve something that is not talked about. It’s a private mourning that follows you around constantly.  Not many people understand the pain of miscarriage. 

I have seen many doctors about this issue. I started getting pelvis pain after the miscarriage and the first doctor sent me for a pelvis ultrasound. She also told me that 22 day cycles were a good thing. Now in this day an age when we get sick we usually Google the symptoms. Well I did that and have only found that short cycles are not good for falling pregnant. Basically you need approximately 28 days 14 days from start of period for the eggs to mature properly and uterus wall to thicken, and then 14 days after fertilisation so the egg can implant properly in the uterus. But try telling this to a doctor, there the doctor you’re not…sigh….The ultrasound came back clear, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries all good. The second doctor told me a story about his friend. She was trying to have a baby for 2 years. So she quit her job and fell pregnant straight away. Great I’m a stay at home mum, not much stress. Well let’s be honest the most stressful thing I have to deal with is making sure I have cooked dinner in time for when my husband has come home and making sure the house is presentable and making sure my son is clean, fed and happy. So sure I can quit my job…NOT! he also told me the pain that I was having in my pelvis was most likely my appendix (again I am no doctor but I'm pretty sure the appendix isn't very low in the pelvis and I have no other symptoms of appendicitis SIGH) The third doctor was the worst....

I shudder thinking of that appointment! It ended in me yelling-yes yelling at the doctor and then crying and I may have cursed as well, yes it was under my breath, but he was oh so frustrating. The appointment took over an hour. It started with me telling him my story much similar to the one here. His responses so your first was IVF (NO!), how long are your cycles (22-25days) , So during the month you will see mucous ([I have owned a vagina for 26 years, 16 of those has it been in operation, do you think I have not noticed this before?????? ] Yes I use that method) , how long are your cycles (22-25 days), So Do you know when to have sex (YES I’m not an idiot, I have done this before remember???????, oh and I have done basically every ovulation test under the sun!),  how long are your cycles (22-25 days), so I will refer you to IVF (I have fallen pregnant twice I don’t need IVF I need tests to find out why I can’t fall pregnant and then we can go from there), how long are your cycles (22-25 days), how long are your cycles (22-25 days), I will write you a referral where would you like to go? (outskirts of south eastern Melbourne) How about Richmond ([basically Melbourne CBD 25 kms away] I thought you were going to refer me local?) The closest IVF is in Richmond (GAHHHHHHHHH I thought I said NO IVF UNTIL FURTHER TESTS [yelling] don’t worry I will see another doctor [sigh, tears]),  how long are your cycles (22-25 days), Sometimes it takes 3 years to fall pregnant (right no worries, I’ll just see another doctor, gahhhhhh so when my son is 5 I’ll fall pregnant I don’t want a gap like that I wanted 2 years now it will be 3 years at best, I just want some answers, are there any test, why are my periods 22 days????? Is that a reason as to why I’m not falling pregnant [frustration in voice, tired of this doctor and his incompetency.]), how long are your cycles (22-25 days), how long are your cycles from start to finish (22-25 days). SIGH

Okay so that was 5 minutes of the appointment but do you get my drift???????? Basically I had to beg him to get my hormones tested, as I think that is the issue (yes I know I’m not a doctor, but seriously gut instinct and hours in Google make me qualifies enough to request this). After much begging he finally wrote me a blood test request (seriously it’s just blood I’ll make more, I’ll eat an extra piece of steak if need be so what’s the big deal with doing a couple of blood test???? [mmmm steak]) So that’s where I’m at I had my blood test after the appointment and I have a referral to a gynecologist on Monday and a little nervous. She apparently deals with IVF as well but just I want someone who will listen and who will do some investigation to find out what the heck is wrong with me before we start even talking about IVF. I have fallen pregnant twice, so there is no problem there it’s just falling pregnant again and getting my cycles back on track. Oh and on a side note my husband had caner 6 years ago Hodgkin’s disease to be exact the oncologist told him to freeze some sperm to be safe as he had to undergo 6 months of chemotherapy and a month of radiation. He is worried it is him, but we have fallen pregnant twice so I don’t think that’s the issue. The only thing that had changed is my cycles so I am just about certain this is the issue. Well here’s to more doctors, more expenses, more poking and prodding and hopefully some answers and a much wanted baby (or two :D) I’ll let you know how I went on Monday!